Once Upon-a-Month

What is that? What is that craziness that wells up inside me that just says, "don't look at me I want to punch you."

What did You do?

Nothing...you did nothing!

I'm not normally crazy about chocolate, but my stomach starts cramping and it would be safer for you to be stuck between a hungry silverback gorilla and a small child than between me and my chocolate. Oreo milkshakes, chocolate pudding, brownies,...Seriously, just pass the Hershey syrup. What is that? 

And the hot water bottle, oh the hot water bottle... This cramp-saver my Grammie gave me looks like it came straight out of a time machine, but do I love it! My husband, on the other hand, hates this thing so much he has literally hid it under the bed countless times so that I cannot find it (thus, resulting in him filling it up for me). When I have stomach cramps I am more attached to this thing than my daughter is to her bunny she sleeps with every night that smells like morning poop-breath because she gnaws on it so much. 

Clothes? Wait. Hold on, you want me to wear normal clothes? I have been menstruating for three days straight and you want me to put clothes on? What is that? 

That...that, my friends is the once-upon-a-month curse. That awful wretched disease that strikes and immediately turns your world upside down. You would almost rather be pregnant for the rest of your entire life than spend five days of every month teetering with the idea of checking yourself in somewhere. Why does that happen to us...why? Well, women, it happens to us because we are the only species strong enough to make it through. We are supercreature; I would say superhuman, but there is literally not another kind on the planet that can withstand slowly dying for a few days and then magically coming back to life. Our husbands, fathers, brothers, guy friends, and male co-workers, on the other hand, ( I know you are reading this in an attempt to better understand females, consequently saving your own life) are hurting and desperate for more answers.

I have a solution, and it does not involve living in the crawlspace for five days with a supply of chocolate and a heating pad- way too many spiders down there. 

It's called Prozac. HA...yeah, yeah...you think I'm joking, but to my tired and confused mom with a mentally unstable sixteen-year-old (only 5 days a month, of course) it was no joking matter. You see, it turns out there is actually something called PMDD. Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a severe, sometimes disabling extension of premenstrual syndrome (PMS). According to Mary M. Gallenberg M.D. (Mayo Clinic), Treatment of PMDD is directed at preventing or minimizing symptoms and may include:

• Antidepressants. Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), such as fluoxetine (Prozac, Sarafem, others) and sertraline (Zoloft) may reduce emotional symptoms and other symptoms, such as fatigue, food cravings and sleep problems. You can reduce symptoms of PMDD by taking SSRIs all month or only in the interval between ovulation and the start of your period.

So there you have it. If Aunt Flo's visit every month nearly sends you over an edge, you may be in luck. There are certainly other treatments that can help if you aren't a believer of modern medicine: things such as reading your Bible and praying, really hard and really often. Working out and exercising to keep stress levels low is another idea. (I thought you were just supposed to eat everything in sight.) My doctor at the time recommended the antidepressants (at a very low dose) so that's what I did a few days each month. I felt so much less irritable, and I stopped hurting people (just kidding). 

I also find it extremely entertaining that Dr. Gallenberg adds the following advice: "Try to avoid emotional triggers, such as arguments over financial issues or relationship problems, if possible." (Ya think!?) 

The good news is: Apparently being pregnant evened out my hormones; I haven't noticed the problem quite so much...so much, in fact, I've been laying off the meds for awhile. Either that or I'm so [mom]crazy now I can't tell the difference a few days a month. I would finish this post but my husband just read this last paragraph and said we need to talk...? Toodles.