I'm MAD...

"How are you doing?" They all ask with concerned eyes. 

"I'm ok." "Pretty good." "Getting better." 

Those responses frequently leave my mouth as if to convince the rest of my face to stay strong. This is not the place to break down. There's not time for a detailed answer. Don't burden them. 

But today, here's my answer...

"I AM MAD." 

I am mad that my precious little boy is no longer growing inside of me.

I am mad that I will not get to feel his big 34 week kicks, even the ones that hurt.

I am mad that I will not get to meet him and show him the world. 

I am mad that I will not hear him cry.

I am mad that my belly has stopped growing. 

I am mad that I don't get to wear the maternity jeans I just finally bought two weeks ago.

I am mad that I'm no longer pregnant with close friends and family.

I am mad that my daughter is no longer a big sister.

I am mad that she will not have a brother two years younger like I had.

I am mad that I have stopped getting her ready for our new baby.

I am mad that our children will not be spaced out like we wanted. 

I am mad that our children will not be the same ages as some close friends and cousins.

I am mad that all of our parents lost a grandchild.

I am mad that God gave me EXACTLY what I wanted and hoped and prayed for and then allowed it to all be taken away. More than not being pregnant feels like a nightmare I want to wake up from, the fact that I was pregnant feels like the most amazing dream I have woken up from. 

I knew this time would come...The anger, frustration, and confusion. I don't get it. I may never understand. I'm mad the way my daughter is mad when I've said "No" to having her 3rd package of Scooby Doo fruit snacks in two hours. I want to fall flat on my face, kick and scream, and pound the ground with my fists. I want to cry out of disbelief that God would allow this. 

But I know God can handle this...my complaining and whining, even my anger towards Him. 

You see, when I don't give my daughter the fruit snacks she so desperately wants, it's for her own good. I try to tell her that, but it's hard to get through to her mid-fit. And although she may not feel loved or even feel like she's being punished after hearing the words "No", that's not the case at all. I love her the same whether she's flat on the floor crying or giving me eskimo kisses with her little button nose. I'm not withholding the treat from her for any reason other than to protect her because I know what's good for her. Plus, if I always gave her exactly what she wanted, when she wanted it, what would she learn?

Upon writing this in an attempt to blow off some steam, I had no idea I was about to compare the loss of my son to Scooby Doo fruit snacks. But God speaks to me in mysterious ways. I guess He's trying to tell me something. For now, I'll just work on keeping my limbs from angrily flailing and try to process through this muck. 

At least I know He's with me every step of the way.

Are You Off Today?

"Mommy... Mommy arrre you? Mommy...hode you, Mommy."
The toddler-voiced requests echoed from the video monitor as little hands grasped the top of the crib and tiny feet began to bounce.  As I turned over in bed, the overwhelming excitement to see my baby and the puffy bags under my allergic-to-morning eyes played tug-of-war with one another. My phone's clock read 7:58 and a text from a friend read, "Are you off today? Meet us by the river at 8:45 for a walk if you can!"

On the way to L's crib I texted back something about flat stroller-tires and asked the husband mid-shave if he could pretty please help me pump them up before work. "We can do this," I said to myself as I took off L's pee-soaked pajamas and threw on some outside clothes. "Walk...oweside...shewss...schveen(swing)."  She was ready to go. I'll have you know we actually arrived to our destination on time. Did our living room look like a gymnastics foam pit made of couch pillows? Yes. But ask me if it distracted her long enough to cook eggs, dangit!

The walk promoted beauty around every turn in the deep gravel path. My fore-arms wished the jogger had a motor, the birds chirped, and the conversations flowed. As soon as we made it deep into the brush and trees, with only the river to our side, we noticed a middle-aged man walking towards us. He wore a striped polo, newsboys cap, large thick rimmed glasses, and dad jeans. I was drawn to the sun-faded tattoos decorating his right arm and couldn't help but notice what he carried around his waist.

We moved several steps passed him as I curiously [OK, nervously] asked a friend of my friend's, "Was he...?"
"Yep, he was packin..." she replied.
Awesome. So here we are along the river with babies, strollers, the world's friendliest looking dog and we're joined by a man carrying a knife on one side of his belt and a gun on the other. Let's hope he's just overly prepared to meet a mountain lion, the only thing I WAS afraid of.

The other girls seemed unamused, and I was over there like, "Hellooo... Why does he keep wandering into the bushes and back onto the trail? If he is in fact a freak, we are- well..um... THE PERFECT BAIT and won't live to see his perfectly sketched mug on the 5 o'clock news."

Soon distracted, I realized L had peed through her diaper and her pants halfway through our walk. (Apparently our diapers suck). And in case you were wondering, changing an almost two-year-old's diaper while she stands up in the stroller is right up there next to impossible. 
After surviving the walk, my friend brought her precious little babe over to play. And by play, I really mean nearly get catapulted out of her carseat and softly bonked in the head a few times. It was all in good intention, that I promise you. A toddlers idea of rocking just happens at a much faster pace and sometimes kisses are hard to aim. However, throwing dog bones near babies heads because you're mad is never OK. Let's just say 2-days-in-a-row-without-a-nap Leighton ended up spending more time in timeout than she normally does in a week.

Once nap-time could no longer wait, our wonderful friends and their playful dog left our serene home filled with peace and quiet. I called our dog inside only to find he was covered in mud, and our lawn boasted a new barren patch. [And I thought our dogs were just taking turns humping each other.]

Exhaustion, frustration, and defeat swept over me....

Thank you Lord for friends that don't need me to apologize to them, clean up my act to impress them, or even pretend that I'm not having a hot-mess kind of day. [Every day]. Thank you for allowing me to never experience boredom and remain challenged. Thank you for little giggles, funny moments, and pure joy that wipe this all away. And thank you, Jesus, for sparing me from the River Man so I can live to soak up the sun while I write about it.

So to answer your original question, my friend,
"Yes, I am [a little] off today."

"One day I'll miss the pitter patter of those little feet..."
-Wendy Manwaring

Women and Planes

Upon boarding a flight this morning, I realized I was sitting next to a female pilot employed by the airline I'm flying on and a woman absolutely terrified of flying. Coincidence? I think not. I learned the pilot has flown most of her life; she spoke of NASA, the Air Force, and top secret missions to Saudi Arabia during Desert Storm. She talked about fancing sounding planes I've never heard of. Sensing the other woman's anxiety, the pilot narrated everything that was happening as the plane lifted from the runway. When the turbulence began, the other woman started breathing heavily with her head in her sweaty palms. She grasped the wrist of the pilot as the pilot attempted to distract the woman from her fear. She explained how the wings of the plane function, and the reason for feeling bumps during turbulence. She eventually reached for her iPad as the ultimate distraction, showing the woman flight maps and other information. She gave her a piece of gum to chew. They exchanged their stories and numerous family pictures during the remainder of the flight. Amongst some sad stories in the world, I love experiencing these moments, meeting genuinely kind souls, and witnessing that God even cares about the small stuff. 

Easy Dinner Ideas

Ugh... Time to make the grocery list again? Didn't I just do this like... a week ago? (Yes). I think I've decided that planning meals is way more annoying than actually cooking them. Every time I finish a grocery list, I sigh on the inside. Because while I'm making it, I'm thinking of a million things at once (in true girl fashion): What did we eat last week? Don't plan for chicken every night. We need some variety.    What fridge findings can I turn into sides? This is rotten already, are you kidding me? Think...think... I know there's something besides canned soup we can eat Tuesday.

Ok. So you get it. Sometimes I wish every dinner I've ever made was just listed somewhere [besides my messy cupboard]. No, I'm not just a [total] slob, I do refer back to these lists from time to time when I need help with my meal planning. 

Wish no further, I'm saying to myself right now. Your marriage-long dream has become a reality. (So I need to dream a little bigger, I know). 

*** I would give you disclaimers, but I think you'll form your own opinions anyways. And, apparently we need to eat more fish.***

Chicken

Orange Chicken

Chicken Caesar Wraps

Southwest Chicken Wraps

Greek Chicken Pitas

BBQ Chicken

Chicken Tortellini

Chicken Enchiladas

Chicken Fajitas

Mango Chicken Sandwiches

Ranch Chicken

Chicken Teriyaki Sandwiches

Chicken Salad Sandwiches

Pesto Chicken Pasta

Pork

Italian Sausage Spaghetti

Pork Tacos

BLT's

BBQ Pulled Pork

Ham Melts

Mustard Crusted Pork

Chipotle Pork Chops

Turkey

Italian Turkey Sausage

Deli Sandwiches

Ground Turkey Tacos

Teriyaki Turkey Burgers

Turkey Pitas

Ground Turkey Lettuce Wraps

Shepherd's Pie

Beef

Beef Enchiladas

Beef Fajitas

Meatloaf

Burgers

Beef Stir-Fry

French Dips

Beef Stroganoff

Beef Spaghetti

Fish

Cream and Caper Tilapia

Tuna Melts

Lemon Garlic Shrimp

Salads

Taco Salad

Buffalo Chicken Salad

Asian Chicken Salad

Cobb Salads

Soups

Beef Stew

Chicken Corn Chowder

Potato and Ham Soup

Chicken Noodle Soup

Miscellaneous

Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup

Baked Maccaroni and Cheese

Breakfast Scramble

Breakfast Casserole

Cheese Ravioli

Baked Potato/ Salad Bar

Quesadillas and Chicken Tortilla Soup

Homemade Pizza

Mexi Bowls 

Egg Salad Sandwiches

Sides

Quinoa

Mashed Potatoes

Angel Hair Pasta with Herbs

Sweet Potato Fries (whenever possible!)

Orange flavored Carrots

Lemon and Garlic Brocolli

Brocolli Slaw

Asparagus

Fried Rice

Spanish Rice

Brown Rice

Corn

Peas and Carrots

Black Beans

Roasted Veggies

Pasta Salad

Salad: walnuts, cranberries, pears

Salad: cottage cheese, peas, raisins, pineapple (try it)

Salad: strawberries (or pears), walnuts, feta

Salad: carrots, cucumber, tomato

Fruit Salad

So there are obviously some meals and items I've never written down, some of these I've only made once or twice, and many that have become our staples [grilled cheese and tomato soup]. Whaaaat? :)

I hope this is helpful to someone besides me. Happy Cooking! Or take out. It's whatever...no judging here. 

London Fog

Ever heard of a London Fog?

Noo... not that kind of London Fog. Although, what I'm referring to is just as dreamy. It all started about a month ago (the obsession, that is). My boss texted me on her way to work and asked if I wanted a drink. My request: a Green Tea Latte. [Begin tangent] Yes, I prefer tea over coffee. When I drink coffee, I turn into a vibrating bobble head, and in the afternoon I always feel like a total slug. A slug with a stomach ache. So I only occasionally partake in a nice mug full of yummy creamer--I mean coffee (that's the other issue). However, tea...oh wonderful tea- I quite like it. *Said with a steaming mug to my lip and my pinky in the air.

And now you're thinking, "Just tell us what a London Fog is already."

A London Fog: A traditional London Fog is made with two thirds brewed Earl Grey tea and one third steamed milk with a dash of vanilla syrup.

^Source: http://coffeeworks.blogs.com/coffee_and_tea/2013/06/how-to-make-london-fog-tea-latte.html

But you asked for a Green Tea Latte? Yes, yes I did. My boss went to Dutch Bros; but because they didn't have such a drink, a [genius, life-changing] employee suggested a London Fog. Dutch Bros, you are more than just a friendly little music box that smiles and extends arms with delicious drinks. I now like you even more. But seriously, who doesn't feel a little brighter when they drive thru that place? The workers are on happy pills, and the music wakes you up faster than the drinks.

As soon as I tasted that sip of heaven, I became hooked. I ordered it everywhere. Then while grocery shopping the other day, I thought, "Why not make it at home?" So I bought a few ingredients and then I had one of those amazing thoughts where two or more think-lings collide and make perfect sense. The equation would have looked something like this: London Fog + Vanilla + Protein with Breakfast + I just bought Vanilla Protein!! = My very own Protein London Fog. (So I haven't thought of names yet.) And yes, I'm sure someone's already thought of it; but let me just bask a bit in my glory.

I knew that purchasing Vanilla [Icecream] flavored protein would come in handy. My husband and I had finally gotten around to ordering it, and the arrival excited me beyond words. I didn't expect to find it on our doorstep the very next day. Bodybuilding.com, you're awesome. Usually ordering things online requires days of waiting. But this...this gem just magically appeared.

So I look like a Ninja Turtle, big deal. This is the face of someone excited to begin bulking. Don't worry, such vocabulary only flows out of my mouth facetiously. It's fun to eat lots of protein (and fatty food) and call it "bulking." But I am trying, nonetheless, to put on some muscle because as it turns out, running circles around a one year old causes weight loss. And not working out regularly results in muscle shrinking...who knew? Hey, I'm workin' on it.

Sooo...Here's how you make a London Fog complete with protein:

First make your tea as normal. While it brews, pour together your desired amount of Vanilla Creamer (only need a little) and Coconut Milk into a shaker. Then add your preferred portion of Vanilla Protein, and shake it up! (Shake it- shake it reaalll good). But seriously...if you don't, you will end up with tiny little curdles of-  Oh, just trust me on this. [It took a day of trial and error].

The end result? A hot, steamy, frothy London Fog Latte WITH protein in it!

That's not all that made my morning special. I also woke up to No-Heat-Curl success. OK, so it ain't perfect, but that's the point.

I LOVE No Heat Curls (aka: not doing my hair). I do believe it reins as one of the world's greatest inventions. Simply go to bed with your hair twisted into a bun. (Twist and wrap around). It even works with completely dry hair and can be secured with ONE bobby pin! Oh, you were blessed with gorgeous thick locks? You poor thing...use a few extra.

Just when I thought the morning couldn't get any better, I drove to work with warm, blinding rays piercing through my car windows.

And one of my current favorites came on the radio (Yes, I still drive with the radio). It's too much work to pick my own songs. Have you heard the song "Oceans" by Hillsong? The lyrics are chilling. I love oceans, and I love Jesus. Using the two figuratively together: beautiful. 

What are your morning secrets?! Do tell...

You Might Be a Mom...

I always wanted it. Dreamed of it. Wished for it. Couldn't wait for it. 

Now I'm in it. Motherhood: the most challenging and exhausting yet rewarding and completely amazing thing you could ever experience.

It's hard being a working mom. It's hard being a stay-at-home mom. It's all hard. It's easy to get wrapped up in life, too busy to slow down and live in a a state of wonder. I'll never forget a blog post I read from a mom feeling guilty for always hurrying her kids along, not allowing them to fully take life in, ask questions, touch and feel, find and discover. Just stamp "Guilty" on my forehead why don'tcha. In order to keep our house running, my peeps well fed, and my place of work happy with my output, I much too often get "too busy". This morning on my day off, I decided to sloowww down and truly enjoy my time with L. The only thing I planned to accomplish was grocery shopping. So L and I woke up, got ready (kind of), and went to the store...in...no...hurry. And I noticed so much... 

She gave me her first grocery request as we passed the blackberries. It was as if she spotted a puppy when she pointed to them. It was so cute I couldn't say no. Plus, who can say no to fruit? Then in went the tomatoes- they're like candy to her. (She gets it from Grandma). We stopped near the vegetable produce and she exclaimed, "More!" Veggies? No, no... she just wanted the produce to get sprayed again. Towards the end of our trip she was nearing a meltdown and laid her face down on the side of the cart. [Just keep pushing and hope for the best.] As we stopped at the bread, she looked up and again said, "More!" It took me a minute to realize she wanted the cart to move again so that her cheek would vibrate against it. So in a circle we went. 

As I finally finished loading the car, I opened the back door. My attempt to place her in the car seat and head home was put on hold as she excitedly pointed to my seat. "Oh, you want to drive?!" I asked. Yes. Yes, she did.

We did eventually make it home. I pulled into the garage, and we sat in the car for a second as I sang along as loud as I could to the music playing on the radio. I stopped and turned around to see an elated toddler clapping and screaming, (you guessed it) "More!" [And that's the only time anyone will ever clap at the conclusion of my singing.]

It's not always fun and games. Nayyy... It is not. But if you don't stop every once in a while and soak in all that motherhood has to offer, you are sadly minimizing the amazing gift God intended it to be. 

We all experience it differently, but I'm just sure we can relate to a few things. (Wink, wink). Sometimes I have to pinch myself in order to believe I'm actually a mom now. Other times life just screams, "You're a mom!" The following list encompasses it all and will only get longer with time...

Yoouuu might be a mom if:

You find baby hair bows in your coat pocket, toys in your bed (not that kind), or a three-month old bottle behind your bed (with some scientific stage of milk in it.)

You find puffs in random places. You know what "puffs" are.

You say "poo-poo" and "stinky" more times more times in a day than you care to admit.

You can't figure out how your dry shampoo is gone again...already!

You start shopping at Target- like a lot...

Going grocery shopping by yourself produces the same relaxing feeling you get from a trip to the spa-Wait, what is that?

Your washing machine load size is most often set on "small."

You understand that "nap-time" is comparable to receiving a million dollars with only two hours to spend it.

You secretly feel satisfied watching other children misbehave and think to yourself, "Thank God, mine is normal."

(We'll call this one a "mild fit").

You sometimes feel so physically and emotionally tired and desperately in need of a break, you wish your child would go away. The moment they're away, you miss them.

You don't remember what it felt like to shower off the clock- or maybe even just shower for that matter.

You sometimes feel as though you have more arms, hands, fingers, and [yes, even toes] than you thought. (Monkey toes are a real bonus).

You eat like someone is going to run by within a matter of minutes and steal your food.

It feels like you're going on a road trip every time you leave the house, and you pack as though you're never returning.

You find no shame in dancing like a wasted old white woman just to catch a smile.

You know it is possible to feel completely exhausted and completely happy at the same time.

You give other moms the "mom smile" out in public because you instantly feel the bond (and pain...if you're trying to shop).

You have no clue what hit music songs are these days but you can sing baby songs word for word-- and you do often because they play in your head like "the song that never ends..."

Your body just ain't the same as it once was...enough said.

When you think about someone ever hurting your child's feelings, your blood reaches unhealthy temperatures.

Your heart has grown ten sizes; it hurts much easier but loves even stronger .

You feel like you're melting when you hear your child giggle. A belly laugh? Immediately a puddle of wax on the floor.

You don't remember what it felt like before children and you wonder how you ever felt complete without them.

You think and say really cheesy things -such as above- but you don't even care because they're true.

You get choked up [and cry] over any of the following: sad or just plain sweet stories on the radio, friends' blog posts, surprise birthday parties ... seriously?! Seriously.

And lastly...You feel like the luckiest person in the world- every single day.

...........

What would you add?

The Bachelor's Buff Chick

Oh, hello blog I forgot about amidst the chaos of this thing called life...I suppose it's time to write in you, on you? -update you already. So here I am home from work, under the covers after three hours of trying to get my poor sick AND teething child to nap, as the world's most ridiculous but genius show plays in the background. I feel like I have the right to veg (pronounced vejjj) considering I'm now getting sick myself for the third or fourth time in the last couple months. (Wawh Wawwh Waawhh). I hear petty dramatic chatter coming out of the television at the speed of stupid. In case you haven't already figured out... I'm watching a recorded episode of the Bachelor. I think it's what some people would refer to as a guilty pleasure. I normally hate drama, but there's something intriguing about watching normal (?) people make fools of themselves on national television. It's one of the most entertaining reality (but totally scripted) tv shows, and I'm pretty sure my IQ goes down at an alarming rate every time I expose myself to the train wreck that it is. Every time they show the bachelors and bachelorettes trying to swallow each other's faces, I swear I'm done watching it...but then the enticing little video clips come on showing what dramatic mishap will take place after the commercial break, and I just can't look away. If one show understands the power of a tease, it's the Bachelor. 

And maybe I do too, because by now I'm sure you're wondering who the heck the Bachelor's buff chick is. You see, all I planned to do was share a yummy recipe with you today. Little did I know I would get off on a Bachelor tangent when I really just wanted to talk about Buffalo Chicken. And let me just make one thing clear: the following recipe will not make you look like one of the skinny contestants on the Bachelor. So if you are looking for a new best clean-eat, look elsewhere. However, if you want to add a little spice to your kitchen and please your husband, read on. Take that how you will. 

This recipe is simple- it has to be if I'm cooking it. It's spicy. It's fresh. It's not horrrrible for you, so read on. I should also add that I am not a recipe maker; I'm more of a recipe seeker. And I like to alter recipes to my liking so feel free to do the same. This one was inspired by my dad, and we don't measure so good luck (you can't mess it up): 

Buffalo Chicken Salad 

I think I'm supposed to tell you what you need: 

*Some chicken breasts or tenders 

*Frank's Red Hot Sauce 

*Flour

*Buffalo Chicken seasoning packet

*Coconut Oil :) 

*Lettuce

*Tomatoes

*Shredded Cheese

*Corn

*Olives

*Celery 

*Ranch Dressing

*Tortillas (if you prefer a wrap like my saladaphobic husband)

And here comes the most vague recipe you'll ever read (but I know you're all totally capable)...

First, grab a small casserole dish and turn your oven to warm. Then mix together some flour and the seasoning packet in a bowl (the more packet you use, the spicier ...duh)

Next, cut some chicken into large cubes or strips (Don't defrost for too long like I did here...Hate when that happens!)

Next, heat up some Coconut Oil in a pan... (Did you know that using Coconut Oil in food automatically makes it healthy? Now you do.) P.S.This gigantic tub is from Costco- and don't even get me started on all of the purposes it can serve. Thanks, Dad :) 

Dip your chicken pieces into the flour bowl and lightly (or not) coat before tossing into the pan of now hot Coconut Oil...Cook them on Medium for just a few minutes- only need to flip once.

They should turn golden brown... Now get out that Frank's... Mmmhmmm

You can heat the sauce first or just throw some right on top of the pieces of chicken that are done cooking...in your casserole dish...Now place in the oven while you make the rest. (This time they were a lil Hott- with two t's).

Ok, once your chicken is done or before -it's whatever- prepare all of the other ingredients however you like, so that you basically have a salad. Well not basically, you do have a salad. Throw the chicken on top and drizzle with Ranch Dressing. 

It will look something like this except your chicken will be an even better spicy orange color. (I cheated this time and used an off-brand...Use Frank's!) If you prefer a wrap, then wrap it up. Speaking of wraps, that's a wrap! Enjoy!! *Mouth is watering* 

2014 Resolutions

So I'm a week-ish late, but here's the deal. I've never really cared much for New Year's Resolutions because, well, ....probably for the same reason I feel silly reserving Valentine's Day for a meaningful "I love you". Plus, we all know this to be true:

However, howwwwever... This year I will resolute- or whatever it's called :) And they say the best way to keep your New Year's Resolutions is to make them public, so here you go: 

1. I will not buy an enormous tub of cookie dough from Papa Murphy's and eat it until I am so sick I'm forced to throw it away. (True story: Last time I did this, I stared at the over-half eaten tub wondering, "Should I pull you back out?") Instead, I will enjoy a cookie dough tub responsibly- only eating some of its contents and baking the rest. 

Baby steps....

2. I will try to remember every single very important thing that I have to tell my husband in my first phone call. This way I will not have to perform what he regretfully refers to as "the callback." 

3. I will not wait until 10 minutes before I need to be somewhere to start getting ready (which may or may not include shower time) and then look like I'm in the Olympic race of getting out the door. I'm gonna go big here: I will not show up late to church every Sunday...and grumpy because of it. 

4. I will drink more water and eat more protein! (Aren't you proud, Mom?) This was, hands down, her favorite reminder to all of her children growing up in sports. 

5. I will--  But have you seen our candy bill this month?! And what about all of the--OK, OhhKay: 

6. I will drive with a bit more grace. I will not immediately label someone as stupid because they forgot to use their turn signal-- I'll wait until I pass them. Alright, seriously... I'll work on the road rage. I think always being on time everywhere is really going to help. (I'm not really this mean- promise).

7. I will fight through my constant state of exhaustion and play with my daughter more than I watch my daughter.  One strategy I've learned: if you sprawl out on the floor, you get to be lazy and play at the same time. And they absolutely love having you at their level. Just beware of little flying hands and feet, and if you're going to play the "Where's-Mommy's-Eye?" game, establish some rules first-- or you might end up looking like this:  

(Sleep well tonight, by the way...)

8. I will find the time to just relax- simple as that. I love the view when I do. 

9. I will not convince myself that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence; I will bloom where I'm planted. Along with that, I will not get too caught up focusing on all the ways I could change in order to be a perfect version of myself. I will appreciate all of the experiences and changes that have brought me to where I am today. 

10. And last, but most importantly, I will find the time (daily) to fall in love with Jesus all over again. I love the song that says, "It's gotta be more like falling in love than something to believe in...". I know it to be true that when I'm not spending time learning more about Him, I tend to revert to my selfish human nature that actually doesn't look humanly at all-- it makes me look more like this:

When, given a little spiritual help, could look more like this:

Welp... Wish me luck :)